Why Can't I Just Leave Work at Work?
Before we begin
The ability to completely switch off from work when we are in our own time comes naturally for some and others it is a learned skill.
It matters not how we gained the skills, what matters is ensuring we have a system we can use that switches us from work mode to “after hours” mode if we wish to be physically and mentally healthy long term.
Employees across the world can be heard saying “I’ll just make this quick call..it will be a quick one, won’t be long” or sitting at the dinner table with the family talking about their day and you haven’t heard a word.
Then there is the conversation where your partner or you come home and tell the family you can’t go out to dinner tonight or watch the kids play soccer because the boss has asked for a favour and you need to keep the boss happy, only this is the 10th occasion in the last two weeks the boss has come first.
Do you have what it takes to leave work at work?
Your Brain Doesn't Like Unfinished Business
An unanswered email, an unresolved problem, a difficult conversation scheduled for tomorrow or a task you didn't quite finish can stay mentally active after work.
Your brain doesn't automatically file everything away simply because the clock says the working day is over.
Research into unfinished goals has found that making a clear plan for when and how we will return to something can help reduce the intrusive thoughts associated with it.
In other words, you don't necessarily need to finish everything before you leave work.
Sometimes it helps simply to know:
"I haven't forgotten this. I know what I'm going to do with it tomorrow."
But unfinished work isn't always the reason we struggle to switch off, sometimes what follows us home is what the work means to us.
When Being Reliable Becomes Always Being Available …
Being conscientious is generally a good thing.
You care about doing your job well. You take responsibility. You don't want to let people down. People know they can rely on you.
But there can be a point where:
"I like being reliable" becomes "I have to be available." Or: "I want to do a good job" becomes "I can't afford to make a mistake."
That's when you can find yourself continuing to monitor your performance long after you've gone home.
Did I do enough today? … What if I've forgotten something? … Should I answer that message now? … Did I handle that conversation properly?
Switching off can become much harder when work is connected to how responsible, capable or reliable we believe we need to be.
People Pleasing Doesn't Clock Off Either
People pleasing isn't simply about being "too nice".
For some people, disappointing someone or being thought of as unhelpful feels genuinely uncomfortable, So you say yes when your workload is already full.
You answer the after-hours message because you don't want someone thinking you're ignoring them.
You agree to something you don't really have capacity for because saying no feels worse.
Then there are times it's not the work that follows you home at all, It's the interaction.
"Was she annoyed with me?"
"Did I say the wrong thing?"
"What if he thinks I'm difficult?"
The working day may have finished, but you're still trying to manage somebody else's possible reaction in your head.
This is also why boundaries can sound much easier than they feel.
Deciding "I'm not answering work messages tonight" might be relatively straightforward.
Being comfortable with the possibility that somebody may not like that decision can be considerably harder.
Sometimes setting the boundary isn't the hardest part.
It's tolerating how the boundary makes you feel.
The problem can actually be a work issue
It's important not to turn everything into an individual problem.
Sometimes people struggle to switch off because their workload is unreasonable, the workplace is understaffed, expectations aren't clear or there's a culture of being constantly available.
Australia's Right to Disconnect now gives eligible employees the right to refuse to monitor, read or respond to work-related contact outside their working hours unless that refusal would be unreasonable.
But there's another side to this.
Your workplace may not actually expect you to answer that 8 pm email.
You may still feel that you should.
That's why it's useful to consider both sides.
Is work following you home because of what's happening at work, because of what happens inside you when you leave work, or perhaps a little of both?
Practical Tip: Give Tomorrow a Home
Before you finish work, take two minutes to write down anything that's still circling in your head.
Don't just write down what needs doing. Next to each item, decide when you're going to come back to it.
For example:
Call John about the quote: tomorrow after the 9 am meeting - Finish the report: first task Wednesday morning - Speak to my manager about the roster: Thursday when we're both in the office.
Then, when the thought pops back into your head later that evening, you don't need to solve it again.
You've already decided what happens next.
You can simply remind yourself:
“It's written down. I have a plan for it. I don't need to deal with it tonight.”
It won't magically stop every work thought from appearing, but it can help your brain distinguish between something that still needs your attention right now and something that has safely been left for tomorrow.
A Note from Me
I have to admit, I'm not always brilliant at switching off either.
There are definitely times when I've finished what I'm doing for the day, sat down at home and realised my brain is still somewhere back at work thinking about something I need to do, something I forgot to do, or something I could do differently.
I think that's why this month's topic is such an important one. We spend so much of our lives working that it's very easy for the line between work time and our own time to become a bit blurry without us really noticing.
However, sometimes we don't need to completely overhaul our lives. We just need to get a little better at recognising when work has followed us home and remind ourselves that whatever is waiting will still be there tomorrow.
So that's my little challenge for you this month, and for me too.
When work is finished, let's try to leave some of it there.
Take care - Kerry
Want Some Help Actually Switching Off?
If this month's article felt a little familiar, I've created something specifically to help.
The Switch Off Blueprint is a practical, self-paced online program for people who finish work for the day but find their mind keeps working long afterwards.
It takes you beyond simply being told to "relax" or stop checking your phone. You'll learn practical ways to create a clearer end to your working day, deal with unfinished tasks, interrupt the mental replaying and planning, transition out of work mode and build an evening routine that helps you recover.
You'll work through the program in your own time and develop your own Personal Switch Off Plan, based on what works for you and your life.
Start when you're ready. Work through it at your own pace.
Closing thoughts
Switching off from work isn't always as simple as closing the laptop or walking through the front door.
Sometimes it's unfinished work that follows us home. Sometimes it's responsibility, people pleasing or the pressure we put on ourselves and then sometimes the demands of the job genuinely make it difficult to disconnect.
Whatever the reason, noticing what keeps you connected to work is a good place to start.
You don't have to stop caring about your work to create some separation from it.
After all, our evenings, weekends and time with the people we care about deserve some of our attention too.
Work will still be there tomorrow.