It wasn’t me it was my self esteem - An insight into low self-esteem in men.
What is self esteem?
Most of us have a way that we think about ourselves, an identity we adopt and a set of labels that come with it. They are the sentences that begin with, ‘I am…’ or ‘I am not…’. It is this self-judgement that fuels our self-belief and therefore our self-esteem. Self-esteem feeds into our decision-making processes and life choices. The view or opinion we have about ourselves heavily influences our decision making and life goals.
Understanding how self-esteem originates and thrives is critical to appreciating that this is not something we consciously chose. Awareness and education allows many to come to terms with acknowledging their low self-esteem and that it can be improved.
The beliefs we hold about ourselves are learned as a direct result of our experiences in early life. Often these beliefs arrive as a result of conclusions we formed based on the literal experiences. Beliefs arriving at these times were to assist with making meaning or understanding of things we were experiencing. Through repeated similar experiences, we form a set of core beliefs.
Low self-esteem can be painful and lonely for sufferers and people who care about them.
If not addressed, low self esteem can negatively impact lives, ruining relationships, jobs and the ability to live a happy valuable life.
The reality for those suffering low self esteem is that no one can help them but themselves. The desire to change must come from within.
Some men appear politely assertive, confident and likeable, that questioning their self-esteem is something we don’t give thought to. The warning signs are there but we don’t see them as they've "got it together".
For other men, the signs are there for everyone other than themselves.
Additionally, in my practice I regularly hear men refer to the term "feeling lost", don’t know what’s wrong with me"
Feelings of low self-worth and self-esteem can simmer under the surface of all men and often the problem is discovered after damage has been done.
Let’s take a closer look at what self-esteem is and how it presents.
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Why is self esteem important?
It also has to do with the feelings people experience that follow from their sense of worthiness or unworthiness. These feelings of worthiness or unworthiness heavily influence our decisions and choices. For example - A person may find themselves wanting to speak with someone as they are interested in them and want to know more. However, they feel they are not worthy of their presence and do not wish to burden them. This can be referred to as low self-esteem. Believing you are a burden and not worth another persons time is a heavy bag to carry.
What are some of the signs of a low self-esteem in men?
Extreme competitiveness -
Jealousy
Anger issues
Addiction - drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling and others
regularly seeking validation
Excessive focus on appearance
Negative outlook on life
These are some of the most common signs men present with and are not limited to this list. Important to note that men do not have to have all of these signs to have a negative self-esteem, nor do all men who have one or all of these signs have a negative self-esteem. These are observed signs and significant indicators not a rule for all.
Low self-esteem can and does affect men without them realising. Most often it’s not until it’s too late. For example: *Marriage/relationship ends without really understanding why *Job loss leaves you asking what now? *You have a 3-week 'sleepover 'in a rehab unit for an addiction issue. *Anger outbursts and much more
In my practice I have found that men do not come in identifying as having low self-esteem, in fact when I first raise it as a question, most men shake their head with a firm denial that there is anything wrong with their self esteem and instead its all the outside goings on in their life that negatively impact their decision making or lack thereof. Outside influences most certainly impact mood, decisions, anxiety and stress, however a healthy self esteem is better equipped to handle these influences and therefore reduce any negative impact they have on our lives.
Can self-esteem be improved?
The first very important comment to make here is, no one can fix another’s self-esteem, including mental health and wellbeing practitioners of any kind. One must acknowledge there are issues and then decide for themselves they want to improve. As partners, family members or friends that see the signs, we can only point out our observations, understand the sensitivities to help avoid triggers.
Mental health professionals such as counsellors, coaches, hypnotherapists and psychologists can provide assistance by way of allowing a safe professional space to allow the client to understand and learn through the use of positive psychology, education and take-home tasks.
If the client is committed to improving their self esteem and actively participates working with their chosen professional, their symptoms and signs often improve in a few sessions. Healthier approaches to all aspects of their lives are a direct result, providing a sense of positivity and empowerment shining through. This provides opportunity to make and achieve goals whereby creating opportunity to live a happier and more productive life becomes a reality.
The good news is that low self-esteem is not an incurable condition. With time, effort, and practice, anyone can achieve healthy levels of self-worth.
Too often, we attribute this unhealthy and self-sabotaging mindset to men who aren’t successful at life. The reality is, the men that suffer some of the worst symptoms of low self-esteem are from the category of “those that have it all” – attractive, social and relate to others.
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